The Internalizer

(We were having a girlie Friday morning.  We'd already made necklaces and done each others make-up, so we decided to see what her hair would look like straight.  I posted this picture to Facebook and her teacher said she didn't recognize her!)

We sat in the exam room without anything really bothering either of us.  We'd just come from bible study and the wait in the waiting room was quite short.  There were books to read, and big window through which we learned about the parking garage, and the snack-style lunch that I'd packed, which she picked at while we hung out.  The nurse came in and out, followed not too long after by the doctor.  She was quiet but cooperative, as is often the case for my girl when she's not dealing exclusively with people she lives with.  She was awarded a clean bill of health...except that her blood pressure was on the high side, so we'll do a re-check real quick and have you on your way.

5 tries - on both arms - later, and her numbers just kept rising.  Higher than my normal blood pressure, making her initial reading look good.  "I'm sure she's just nervous.  Let's have y'all come back in a month."  She assured me that she wasn't worried or upset.  I wondered, worried a tiny bit, and scheduled a nurse's visit.  And she went home and took the blood pressure of every stuffed animal that she owns.

4 weeks later, her first check was just as high as last time.  My heart sank.  We tried to make her comfortable.  Second one: too high.  Switch arms, and this time I engaged her in conversation.  I'd tried singing, petting, rubbing.  This time I asked questions that I knew she would answer.  BAM.  BP right where its supposed to be for a healthy 3-year-old girl.

The nurse said that she could see her body relax when she started talking.  She WAS nervous.  Or worried?  Concerned?  Apprehensive?  I still don't know, because she just won't talk to me about it.

On the one hand, this catches me completely off guard.  I have never once in his 6 years on this planet wondered what Sam was feeling.  Emotions worn on his sleeve, smeared across his shirt, splatter down his pants.  We've always described her as "laid back."  As she grows, I don't feel that label is fair to her, or even accurate.

I see a bit of myself in her as she grows.  She has all the same emotions that her brother does, but she hides them away, keeps them to herself.  Internalizes them.  Why?  You'd think I'd know, since I'm so good at it myself.

It is a crucial awakening for me to realize this about her, and I am thankful that I am catching on now rather than when she's 16.  Still waters run deep, and I think that's true with my Goose as well.  I am almost 32 years old and just within the past few years have I begun to realize that its not only OK, but often helpful and better to express what I am feeling to those it matters to, rather than trying to bury it deep to smooth things over. 

So I will be more intentional with asking her how she's feeling, and understand that she probably won't always tell me the extent of what's on her little heart.  I'll work at learning to decipher her subtle cues, and glossing over her seemingly small expressions in favor of her brother's dramatic ones.  And I'll pray that the Lord leads her to a man that will do the same for her in marriage.

*Disclaimer: She is 3 years old.  She does throw the occasional fit and test our boundaries by declaring her independence.  All behavioral comparisons should be considered "in comparison to her peer group."